1.2.3. breathe.

2011 was a year i could live without doing over.  such pain.  and stress --- and heartache.  i keep telling my kids that the only way not to hurt so bad is to never love so much.  but can you honestly fathom living your life without loving with your whole heart?

i know i am not capable of loving less than that... unless i don't love you at all.

my father-in-law passed away on december 30th.  after twenty months of a courageous battle against cancer, he finally is at peace once again.  {bitter sweet, you know?}

my only adult experiences with death were those of my great-grandparents ten years ago.  the funerals were in a small town in Pennsylvania.  the type where it literally feels like you go back in time when you cross that township line.  THAT kinda small town.  i hadn't seen most my family in years... so even though i was {awkwardly} a pall bearer, it still felt like a fun family reunion more than a funeral. 
my grammy and pappy were people we hadn't seen in years.  the pain of their death wasn't as devastating.  my grammy had alzheimer's... she hadn't been herself in 10 years.  my pappy died shortly after she did.  they say that is very common with the elderly.  but given the distance of the previous decade, the loss was ultimately less painful because i hadn't spoken to him in so long.

my point is..... i never fully experienced emotional pain with death.  i experienced some regret, but not full-on emotional pain.

(although, i take part of that back... we had to put my dog of 13 years down back in november.  that certainly was some heavy emotional pain.  but even then, that's dog-pain.  not people-pain.  and in this instance, there certainly was a difference.  jiggah and i just weren't uber-close, though i definitely was sad and depressed that day he died. and for several days thereafter.)

but people-pain... yeah.  not so much.

my father-in-law was a fantastic man.  he loved me as though i was a daughter by birth.  and not only did he show me love in that way, he vocalized it to me.  over these last few years, given the state of my relationship with my own dad, i definitely felt a stronger bond with my FIL.  ironically, those were also the years he was much shorter with me in temperment!  i felt the love.  i mean.... you don't snap at the people you DON'T love, right?!  ain't that some shhhhhh....

here's something my brother-in-law wrote about my FIL:

In memory of Col. Herbert Hamako, a great American and a wonderful father-in-law. He was unjustly put in an internment camp as a child during WWII, yet loved his country and went on to serve a distinguished decades-long career in the US Air Force. Herb passed away this morning surrounded by his family. I'm grateful that my daughters got to spend so much time with him. We all will miss you, Herb.

ain't that some SERIOUS shhhhhhh....

my father-in-law passed away with all of his children surrounding him.  i've never experienced anything like it, yet to wonder if that happened to my own father right now, who would be there in that way?  the dedication my brother and sister-in-laws have shown throughout these 20 months has been something i can only wish for all dying members of our society.  the respect, the love, the faithfulness and dedication.  it was beautiful, however painful it may have been, up until his very last breath. the care my sister-in-laws provided those last few nights was top-notch, and always full of love regardless of how tired they were becoming.  on that last night i tried my best to get up for the hourly dispersion of medication, but i found myself only making it for every other, not even realizing there had been one in between.  i don't know how the girls did it.  they were amazing.

that last morning with my father in law was quite peaceful.  all his children and my mother-in-law sat or laid on the bed with him, holding his hand, stroking his face.  and the rest of us stood around them watching.  waiting.

when it happened all of our hearts must have skipped a beat.  i shook.  my legs just couldn't stop shaking, and the pure emotional pain of the end took over me.  my son put it best...

i don't know if i am more upset because my grandfather died or because my dad's dad died.

sitting in that room with all of these people you love, watching them suffer the loss of their husband or father, it makes it all the worse.  i cried for so many reasons that day, but mostly because i will truly miss him.  what an awesome human being.

*****

it's been almost a month since he has passed and life certainly has slowed down.  we miss him dearly and speak of him often around the house.  we are all looking forward to the spring/summer when all of the family can reunite to spread his ashes, and perhaps, smoke a cigar and drink some grand marnier in his memory.  i think he'd like that.

i also think he'd like the fact that my work sent me a bonsai tree in his memory, which the kids aptly named "HERBIE T 'MAKO"... after their "amazing grandpa." 

minted madness!

i am a sucker for good, quality christmas cards.  for the past three years i've used a wonderful company called minted.com.

they are awesome and the cards have an awesome weight to them.  never been disappointed and even if i was, i know i can count on minted to help a sistah out.

ANYWAY...

right now they are running a "refer a friend" deal...

http://www.minted.com/referral/landing/1wridf

i hate to just throw that embedded link out on my blog, but click it and head on over to minted.com.  you'll get $25 just for signing up!  one catch... minimum purchase of $30.  BUT, you can get some good quality classroom valentine's for just a little over that. 

DO IT!  what are you WAITING FORRRRRRRRRR?!?!?! 

run, don't walk....

by the way, they'll give YOU $25 for each referral that signs up for minted.com... up to 100 times over! 

my socks have officially been ROCKED!



i am in hysterics right now.  serious out loud hysterics.  a total laugh out loud moment.

i have sucked at blogging this summer.  i know i suck, i not only can visibly see that i suck, i also feel i suck.  but you know what doesn't suck?  the fact that i've had a zillion blog hits this summer.  i am totally digging that.  but can i tell you why i think i've had so many??

ok, FACT.  i don't think this, i know this.

crazy and amazingly awesome peeps are finding me via a google search for preying/praying mantis.  LUUUUUUUUURVE this!  how random that i blogged about it and even more random that people click my blog on the google search options for preying/praying mantis.  it makes me giggle.  more than giggle, in fact.  it's just so neat, this internet world of ours.  we are connected people, whether you like to think it or not --- people all over the world research the wonderful preying/praying mantis, not just the good ole U.S.A..  you never know where a "click" can take ya and where you'll find your next friend. 

so for all you crazy awesome preying/praying mantis fans......... WELCOME!

lucky girl.

i have a wonderful family.  i was born lucky like that.  not only was i born lucky like that, i birthed lucky like that.  double amazingness, i know.

my sweet, angelic, hysterically funny first born turned 9 last week.  as is common with his birthdays, he dreaded it.  honestly i think this came from having an older daycare provider when he was young.  she was also the funeral coordinator at the church.  do you realize just how many people die each week?  it's a sad, sad amount.  because so many people die each day, and because she was the funeral coordinator for the church, do you want to know how much talk of DEATH there was?  i never realized this until ethan got older.  as loving a woman as she was, i think she scared the ever loving shit out of my son. 

children are inquisitive little beings.  inquisitive and honest, both of which are beautiful qualities that led to emotional scarring.  at least, it did in this case. 

as much discussion as there was about death in that daycare she always told my son that the individual died from being old.

ding. freaking. ding.

my son doesn't want to get old because then you die.  if i turn another year older, i'm closer to death.

i get that logic, but damnit....................... birthdays are supposed to be happy.  not morbid.  every year, like clockwork my boy gets morbid.  this year he cried and cried and cried saying he was going to make an effort to get up early so he could be 8 for just a little longer.  he was born at 8:38am.  he was bound and determined this year to be up by 7am.  and damnit, he was.

knowing my sweet bambino would be upset that morning, while he slept i blew up thirty balloons and scattered them all across the floor of his room so they would greet him first thing.

by God it worked.

he was so happy and tickled pink that it was his big day.  there was no talk about the time, there was no talk about NOT wanting to turn nine.  all that we saw was that angelic smile he was born with nine years ago that day.  it was awesome.

he's had a rough summer.  his best friend (and cousin) moved to wisconsin.  his grandpa got very sick again.  his other grandpa got very sick again.  his dog is on his last legs (and even then it's only when they aren't slipping out from underneath of him.) --- it's been an emotionally charged summer, but only in the saddest of ways possible.  that entire week before and up to his birthday was nothing but one crying fest after another. 

and i can't say i blame him.

but fast forward three days past his birthday to his actual birthday party.  you wouldn't know there was anything wrong with my baby.  he was happy --- and doubly happy when he saw his best friend/cousin/wisconsinion show up for his party.  it was euphoric!

the party only consisted of members of his football team.  due to the mass amount of kids on his team, we requested no gifts.  people HOUND you about that, did you know that???  after learning lessons about true starvation this summer, ethan asked that if people insisted on bringing a gift, that it be a small cash donation so he can make his own contribution to the World Food Program.  honestly, this was his idea.

it was one of those moments in life that sorta takes your breath away from the sheer amazement of what just happened.  i cried.  i cried, i cried, i cried.  what a gem.

two hours of partying later and he had raised enough money to purchase 600 meals for people in Africa.  SIX HUNDRED MEALS!  he felt like a hero... his exact words.

thinking back to the lessons of this summer, while they hurt like hell, i truly love what they taught my son.  beyond what true starvation is, my son learned about the importance of supporting one another - that we can make a difference in this world through things both large and small.... and that sitting back waiting for others isn't the answer.

but can i share a little secret with you?  one of the children i was a nanny for just went off to college this year.  in fact, it was just last weekend.  she, too, wants to change the world, and i believe she's going to do it.  because of her belief in changing the world with education, my son realized he could help the people in Africa... it wasn't far fetched, or out of his reach.  because of her he came up with the idea of sending birthday money to Africa.  he didn't just have to think about the starvation, he knew he could take action and do something about it.  After all, Paige has made two trips to Kenya since January and raised enough money to board 18 students at the Royal Kids School in Mombasa.

THANK YOU PAIGE!  without your hard work with E3, my son wouldn't have made that connective step to helping others.  you inspired him. 

for those of you reading this today, please visit her website Global Paige and check out how awesome my baby girl is.  i've known her since she was 6 and couldn't be more proud of who she is today.  she truly is changing the world and blazing a path along the way.  a true inspiration!

summery love

yesterday i sat at work and noticed a huge preying mantis on my window.

he stayed there for 9 hours.

how is that fun?

how is that safe?

don't you get hungry?

it really made me wonder what these guys do for fun.

how do you live without fun?

i can't.

*****

is summer as busy in your neck of the woods as it is in mine?
because it is doggone ridiculous how little i time i have these days.

but catch this....

i have seriously been loving life.
and truly been out enjoying it.

life is so, so good.
for instance... the summer tomatoes around here have been top notch.
(and so have all the 'lopes!)

time out in the sun has been enjoyable, not just for the kids, but for me, too.
when's the last time that happened?  i mean, i actually caught a good tan this year.

five nights a week of football has been fun for all of us.
usually it doesn't take long for my kids to burn out.
but this year everyone finds something to enjoy about it.

life is good and plentiful.  so plentiful that i can't take a minute to jot down my thoughts, funny things, or entries about events in our lives.  it's just been that busy.  but isn't that a good thing?  because while i kind of love the concept of being able to hang out by myself on the outside of a window for nine hours, i truly can't imagine myself doing it.  i have figured out that i forget how to live a stagnant lifestyle. 

happy august, ya'll!  time sure does fly.